Misjudged

Before i go in a little deeper to this topic, i would like just to give some brief details about my personal life. I actually have a genetic disorder, Thalassemia (B Major), and it isn't a very common known disease. It's basically where my red blood cells' haemoglobins are unfortunately distorted and that i have to take blood transfusions every month. And of course, not all diseases are simple to be cured, there are still many behind the scenes to complete. There are everday oral medications, injections and etc that I have to take. I'm not going to tell you descriptively about that but yeah, my life revolves around the medicinal side alot. Other than that, the second most unfortunate thing in my life is that my family isn't complete. Not going too much on that, haha. (P/S: I'm pretty sure some people reading this might think that I don't appreciate my life enough. I just want to clarify that I am entirely grateful of what I have and how my life is today. Of course, I would love to lead a better and healthier life but that does not mean I don't appreciate my life now.)

Anyways, despite all that misfortunes that not everyone face, I get alot of praises on how I am such a strong person who has overcome so many things and endured through everything my whole life. I appreciate each and everyone's understandings but I just got to clear out something. I guess leading my life isn't the most ideal way but it is not that difficult. Sure, I have to eat my medicine everyday and I have endured ALOT of injections and needles but it actually isn't that pitiful. Once the needle gets in to me, all i think about is how God is going to help me endure yet another scar and how He is going to give me strength to survive the entire day. Living my life with an incomplete family as well and with this lifelong disease, to me, it's a normal thing. I think I'll feel weird if my father actually comes back. If you ask me, I actually think I'll prefer having my family now than an ideal one. I like how things are now and who knows, more problems will arise in the future. Well, this is my side of opinion, but if I were to be given a choice, I'd choose the one that makes my mom the most happiest. (being full-time honest okay, not just showing a kind face) In all honesty, I don't understand how my life is such an "inspiration" to some of my friends. Haha, I'm really glad that I might amaze some people but I always think to myself that, if someone else were to have and experience the same situation as me, wouldn't they do the same thing? So in actual fact, what I'm doing isn't anything really amazing or magical. Sure it is difficult, but hey, i guess that's life?

I guess my whole point of writing this rant is just that I want people to think further when it comes to this. Yeah, I really appreciate the whole fact that some people do notice that I am suffering throughout my life but I don't need more people to remind me of it everyday. Of course, once in awhile i do need some motivation and pick up but that is it. Living as a patient for my whole life, I've been very immuned to it. It doesn't feel sad or wrong to me because I'm used to it every single day. It is a part of me, it is who I am, it is how I got to where I am today. When people pity me, I really don't understand sometimes. Of course they don't live like how I do so they wouldn't understand how i feel, but is it really that bad?

Sometimes, I do think that I deserved this life probably because in the past life, I have done something very insanical and sinful. I guess once I am done with my life, that I've repaid for every sin that i caused.

Goodnight.


-AW