Friends?

Honestly, I don't know specifically what type of a friend I am. I constantly question this in my mind if I am a worthy company to stick with or a conversable partner. I always wonder if people find it boring and weird talking to me, or if people find it difficult to understand me. I actually hope to know what kind of a person I am in people's eyes so 1) i can improve for the better 2) understand myself more fully 3) see myself from another perspective.

Am I a good friend?
I wonder if people try to hide their feelings or problems away because they don't want to bother me with it or if because I am not trustworthy enough? Sometimes I just can't help to feel that people get sensitive when telling their secrets to me. I really hope that I improve myself from the "trustable" aspect so that people can open up to me more confidently and so that they can show me a more deeper side of them without trying to conceal anything up.
Trying to be the best friend I can, trying to reply to every single messages, sacrificing golden studying time to chill, trying to spark up something hilarious, i wonder if all these will be remembered and worth it down the road. Why do I feel as if I have not met THE friend yet? I guess maybe I did but yet why do I feel like the other party don't feel the same? Maybe it's my insecurity, but it feels as if, if there is another group of company, I would be ditched. I can't help but to feel that way, lol! In life, one of the many goals is to be able to express EVERYTHING be fully comfortable and open with a friend. Maybe I have  yet to wait for the right time to come.

How am I pictured?
First impressions are always important. I always wonder what my first impressions in others' minds are. Resting bitch face, show off, poor kid, lesbian, straight, hot, ugly, great personality, stinky attitude, family orientated, loner, moderate, cheerful, laughable and so many much more to list.
Once during an actual family dinner, my father and I were discussing on how to write a personal statement essay and I actually got pretty amazed on what he said to me that night. He told me that he would help me out with my personality and character contents. But I questioned my mom and said why would he, out of all people, know me the best? He barely spent 1/4 of his life with me. His reply was insanical. I think I will always remember this phrase he said, "How you see yourself is not how other people see you. You will be so amazed at how different other people think of you." Honestly in all my life, I have never ever thought about it that way till that night. I always had this lingering thought that I pretty much have the same first impression to almost everyone and that they probably think relatively the same about me. I never thought that our first impressions of myself would be so different in levels. & I personally believe it is because they are "pure" of me; they aren't me. This may be pretty lame to you but if you think of it carefully, it is quite mind opening.


A super long and dreaded math test tomorrow, I long for tomorrow to be over as soon as possible...

-AW