Well, no i have not been in a relationship with anyone. Maybe i did, but it's one sided. (lol is that even possible?)
Anyways, i felt like i should start moving on from all the last seens, no messages from you, or indirect tweets or snaps or anything that made me so worried and paranoid. it was time to move on... it might have not been long but this crush has been going on for like five months? since the beginning of april... five months is actually not that long but living five months everyday talking to you seems long enough. do you know how painful it is to talk to you every single day as your bestfriend? i know you told me a few times that we are great best friends that can rely on each other.. but has it ever occur to you that you were never just a best friend to me ? of course there are periods of time where we dont even talk at all and trust me, those days, they killed me. everyday, every single fucking night, i would stupidly go to your conversation and see you online. and assumed to myself if you went online in a minute time, you'd like me back one day and alot of other nuissance. haha, i am even laughing at myself right now... after that, i would fall asleep looking at your last seen constantly change, or sometimes even not change at all. everyday when i didnt talk to you, i wonder how you felt. theres this quote that goes by " i hope that you find flowers in your bed even at your gloomiest hours" ... i really wished you'd feel happiness. even if its not with me, im fine. but it really hurts seeing you emoing and sulking over things that cant be changed. thats because i feel like that all the time towards you, but you towards someone else. and acting like im encouraging you the whole journey is the worst part of all. i try my best to put it into words to ask you to move on. not because i am jealous or anything but its for your own happiness. i know that if you dont move on, you'll never be able to smile happily again. but what are words when they cant be put into actions? im still hoping for that one day where you'll be able to protect and safe a girl with all your heart happily.
besides that, i really wish that i could tell you my true feelings. to see what you will react to it. but at the same time of course, it might sound as cliche and lame but im really really afraid of what you will think of me after that. will you tell your friends about this? will everyone else see me as the same? will you? will you treat me any different? will you even talk to me after that? will we go back to being friends again without feeling any awkward tensions between us? will you even be able to face me again? and all these thoughts just swallows me alive thinking at 1.16 am. Sigh, seriously. These thoughts are haunting me even more now because i know that another girl is trying to chase you and you are like trying your way best to get rid of her from liking you. i guess the thing i fear most is that you will run away from me. not even joking. will you even like me back if you didnt like anyone? no.. i cant compare to her. not to the both of the girls. the one you like and the one that likes you. hahhahahahahhahhaahha i really.... *cries
i guess i wont go on much about my feelings just for one person. anyways, cheer has ended for me in high school and trust me the feeling completely sucks. im even cheering more in my head now than i usually do. is it weird? i think its just a side effect for cheer depression. im not making sense but yeah... i cant wait to go and cheer again and get active! without cheer i seriously feel like im not worth anything anymore. maybe i was never to begin with but ugh anyways.... no cheer seriously sucks to the max because im facing books twenty four seven. eating without exercising and sleeping without the feeling of satisfaction. lol. im just going to end my post here and maybe post again when im feeling realy fucked up or shits. gonna watch my movie now yay lol goodnight peeps (no one is even reading cause no one knows about this blog hahhahahaha) (so i shall just pretend that there are readers)
No comments:
Post a Comment