Euphoria

my, my oh my give me love.

Give me love like never before, cause lately ive been craving more. 

And it's been awhile but i still feel the same, maybe i should let you go. ❤

It's been a long while since I've blogged and no I did not neglect it. I've been so busy, so stressed and so occupied with my goals, studies, aims and everything i forgot about all the little things and people who i care about. For instance, you? and my blog. Sigh. I feel terribly bad but no one would understand or accept my apology anyways. So I'm just going to keep on whining about my feelings right now and no one is reading this anyways so who cares right?

Well, to sum it all up, this first semester has pretty much been nothing but disappointments and full of crap and bullshit. Literally. LOL. Like sports season, studies and even things with my crush and friends,  etc etc etc. everything la basically. I thought I could've done it, got it but in the end, i didn't. I dont know why i can't or maybe simply just because my best wasn't good enough. But there are so much better people out there and i know i will never be strong enough one day to beat them. They're going to keep on going as well and i don't think my mentality is as strong as it was anymore. Sigh. 

Besides sports season, my studies? I'm so concentrated on it but i feel like I'm not improving. I am stupid, im not intelligent but i admit i am hardworking. But honestly, so what if you are hardworking? Anyone and everyone can be hardworking but only some are lucky enough to be naturally intelligent and smart. why can't i be one of them . i hate working my way up to that level. especially when you work so hard and yet you still don't get the outcome you want to get. it's frustrating and annoying but i guess im used to it. yes im used to it but it hurts more and more everytime i face it.

My life has been practically messy and messed up. I keep on hoping for things that will never happen even if it is bound to happen. Like you said you would talk to me tomorrow? which is today... and i am sitting here stoning like an idiot waiting for a "hey" or "hows your day going" but nothing seems to pop up. im not even sure what i mean to you,  you know i just want to pour all my feelings out but yet it wouldnt be the same. i just want you to put yourself into my shoes, be me for once and you'll know what i mean. i want to tell you everything but you seem like you have no time for me and that there is someone else hotter, better, and more attractive person you'd rather talk to. it sucks feeling like the second choice. i know you've read this everywhere saying it sucks feeling like this and that but its really true. 

i miss talking to you. i miss all the late night skype conversations till 3-4 am in the morning. talking about crap non stop and we would still never get bored. it was my mistake to stop talking to you, i feel bad, really bad and i regretted it, big time. i wish we can go back to the past and replay all of those memories. i thought we made a deal that we get to know each other better, talk to each other more and see how everything goes? im pretty sure im playing my part really well but i don't see you do the same. i stayed up till 2 am yesterday night for you just to get a reply from you one hour later. and no it wasn't because of your friends but it was because of her. the better one, the hotter one, the prettier one, the more attractive one. yes i did feel like shit even you knew it too. she felt like shit as well. but yet you still chose to comfort her more and put me aside waiting for one hour. wow it really shows how much i mean to you and how much you mean your words. sure you can sweet talk well and everything but i wish you'd open your eyes a little bigger and see what's infront of you. sure she is physically hotter and everything else and im sorry i can't satisfy you as much as she can. i just want you to know that it sucks feeling like a second choice and ive been feeling this way for a pretty long time since the year started. i really hope that things will get better for me and obviously who wouldn't wish for happiness? i wish that things will work out between the both of us and that i won't get affected easily by small little things. idk if this is small or whatever but yeah it meant and hurt me alot eventhough you didn't notice. i really feel invisible and like you didn't even care. you just talk to me for the sake of pitying me. sigh.

and then there's this other thing where you compliment other people infront of me. is that suppose to make me feel much more useless or what? idk man. i just want to let you know im sorry. im sorry for trying to ignore you, being so mean to you and not noticing last time. but now i notice, you look the other way. so what? is this wrong timing and all. ah i wish i could turn back time and undo what i did. it must have felt horrible being treated like that and i really just want to tell you how sorry i am but it feels like you don't even give me a chance to tell you im sorry so how. how am i suppose to feel good again when talking to you and act like nothing happened between us? ugh i crave your touch sometimes honestly. it may make me sound desperate but please i am pretty sure that everyone misses someone to an extend where they just want to cuddle him/her, hide out somewhere and never talk. i wish that could be you and me. 

lol ah idk why i am writing so much. not anyone is going to read anyways. i am just writing and pouring everything that is in my heart, nothing much and dont mind me. i hope that someone understands how i feel. i feel so fucking left out in every group. like i don't belong anywhere. 

and this leads to another point of feeling left out. i really don't know where i belong or who really likes me or where i am really comfortable at honestly. with my classmates? i won't even be noticed if im gone. they wouldn't even care about me, they just mind their own business so much and we don't even talk shits. the only thing we talk about is studies and thats all. and then the boys group? i feel left out well basically its because its boys. and not all of them trust me and tell everything to me anyways. lol and that just made me feel 10x worse. yeah sure it's interesting to hear the opposite sex talk about something else but i feel left out like my voice wouldn't even be heard. and with the cheerleaders? well i just feel like i don't belong to their group. i can't be myself around them. they won't understand, and they also have their own friends to talk to. ah fuck i feel like the odd one out. idk what to do man. i feel like im so alone i have no friends. even in whatsapp, im pretty sure everyone has messages unread but me? i can't even get a message. either i have to talk to them to get one or they talk to me just because they need me for something. and no one needs anything from me lol fml.