Candles blown.

Could you cry a little? Lie just a little? Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain? I gave now I'm wanting something in return so cry just a little for me. If your love could be caged, honey I would hold the key and conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me and you'd hunt and those lies - they'd be all you'd ever find and that'd be all you'd have to know for me to be fine.

It's been long, no, yes? It's the long term break again and to me, one and a half months felt like a week. It passes so fast, i wish it would all slow down. Making me think whether next year would be even faster. There goes our childhood? This holiday wasn't that bad and boring as i thought it would be. It has been productive i guess. :) with trips, cheer, cheer jam, outings in and out, housework, and all the other stuff kids might not be interested in. 

Took awhile for me to figure out that my senior years are ahead of me. I'm so old I'm going to relive them in about 5 days. That's super fast and i don't want it to happen so quickly. :c Gahh, my addiction towards listening Cassadee Pope (winner of The Voice Season 3) is taking control over me. All my favourite songs are what she sang, why why why. She's really talented and pretty. (: 

whoopwhoop, so happy for her! another dream achieved! ★

im just blogging to kill time and also for the sake of updating. but i just felt like blogging my feelings :c mehh. omygosh, im being more and more insecure of my everything. i hate feeling like this, i want to stop it but i can't. the feeling just booms out of your brain and heart and controls and wraps every nerve of me and make me feel like im useless piece of fat dump. i am even trying to be super positive (or some call it lying to yourself) about myself by tumblring about it. it aint helping, neither does the notes in my room. i really wish i had a smarter mind, healthier skin, better looking body, and a prettier everything. 

oh wells, shall stop being so pessimistic of myself and live life :)

This holidays felt so fast i don't know how i am going to prepare myself for the next year. Honestly, i don't really want a fresh new start right now. I am happier than i was last time right now and i really don't want that to change. I fear of what depression and sadness i am going to go through again and all that shit. I really don't want to overcome those problems again like i did this year. I had had enough of it. What if next year won't be like what i thought it would be in my head? I'll never be truly happy without you by my side. And to think of next year's schedule, it's gonna be a new everything even the subjects i am taking gives me no mercy. My timing will 24/7 be rushing here and there, sigh. And it's never gonna stop until the day i die. It's time to grow up, it's time to take control, it's time to leave this 3 fun years of highschool and really work my ass for this. but unfortunately, im not ready. i don't think anyone is, unless you are a reallysupercoolsupersmartsuperintelligentsupereffectiveandoptimisticstudentthathascontrolofeverythingthatisgoingtocome. ._. don't even make sense but wtheck, no one reads this so oh wells -____- in other words, im scared if *this* is all over, what am i going to live for? i feel like youre the only one that truly understands me, will talk to me, pretend like you're not bored, will be there for me like no others would. Imagining myself losing u is truly heartbreaking. everytime i think of some stupid scenarios, my heart will literally stop for a moment and send down this type of wave from up my body downwards showing me the true meaning of depression down to my toes. what if i lose you, i can't imagine how many nights i'll stay up suffering, trying to sleep and then hating myself for being such a fool. thinking of it makes me want to hold on tighter to everything i have left, be a much better person myself so you'd keep me, be more worthy and more meaningful to hold on to, be a more reasonable choice for you to keep this relationship going, to be good enough. i always felt like i wasnt good enough for you, not up to your standards and not like every other girls or even that girl. why do i always downhill myself? is it some message to tell me i really am not good enough? maybe, but no one will know. i feel selfish knowing im not good enough and youre still keeping me in your life and making you look like you have no good taste and choice. blablabla, i should stop ranting...

late merry christmas wish (:

and happy boxing day!

xo (: