For the first time ;

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart, while I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar. And we dont know how we got into this mad situation , only doing things out of frustration. Trying to make it work but man these times are hard. He needs me now but i cant seem to find a time, i've got a new job now in the unemployment line and we dont know we got into this mess. It's a god's test, someone help us cause we're doing our best; Trying to make it work but man these times are hard. but we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while. We're smiling but we're close to tears even after all these years we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

                           These time's are hard. I hate what's happening right now. I can't think straight, I can't love right. Why is this even happening to me? I don't even know why I am in this position and I don't even know what I did to deserve this. All i tried was to be the girl who i believed in in the mirror, but nothing of those happens. I just wish that one day or one time, everything will go according to how i planned it in my head but no, everytime, i take a risk or try, i just get injured, fall down and hurt. Getting back up is the most difficult task. It hurts too much to recover and no one is there to help me. 

Betrayed, sad, upset, ignored, ditched, fucked up and stressed. Disappointments are like aching everywhere around me. I can't find a peaceful spot or friend to be with. Why? What? How? Screw this. Sometimes, i just want to scream on the roof and shout my feelings and anger out. I just want to break out and take a rest // break from the crap thats happening right now. Ugh. I can't find anyway to explain, express or even describe the anger that's burning and flaming inside me and the sadness growing out of my heart. The heart REALLY does hurt when it aches. And now i know what heartache means.

Trust to lies? Yeah, i really do enjoy hearing all the lies you've been saying when inside, i know the whole story. It's amazing how people can lie and it leads to another lie and a whole new story. stupid isn't it? Why can't you just tell me the truth and everything else that you have been hiding like your secret relationship? f you. i thought i trusted you with everything and now i see. i give away my trust and faith too easily. Listening to lies is one of the most 'betrayal' feeling. You fake that nothing is happening but all you know that there is one big slot full of events and miracle happening to you when that fairytale could be mine , mine , mine. I just find it super unfair. Right now, i feel stupid, used, left out, ignored, ditched, upset, disappointed, unexpected, ALONE, USELESS, UNWANTED, hated, untrustable, just all alone and hurt.

Anyways, went out to eat with Xiu Ching on Friday, i miss her super duper much! :3 

bye, x