The title speaks all of it.
1) I regret. If i could go, just go back to the day, to the day that I broke off everything with someone who had so much to offer for me, to the day that I cut ties with someone who would have shown me the other side of the world, to the day that I stopped relating to someone who loved me so damn much that I was too blind not to see and think through it enough. I truly regret. I was a foolish young mind who didn't think properly and deeply enough to notice what I was giving up until now where I could just sulk in regrets, memories and old songs and pictures. It's been 2 weeks since I've felt like this and I completely have no idea why all these feelings are starting to come back. I miss him as a person, as a friend, as a company, as a partner, everything. I know this is really mean and bad of me saying that I miss him but I just can't help how I feel. This is such a selfish feeling of mine I wish I didn't have and it would help my heart feel so much lighter. Of course, I would just stay silent about it because just posting it to his face would just make his present happy taken life just complicated and messy. This shall just stay in between me, my blog and you reading this. (if there is even anyone reading)
2) Make better choices. If i could go, just go back to the day, to the days that I kept on constantly used my phone, iPad and all sorts on the dining table and while eating, always facing my screen instead of what really matters, maybe possibly my brother would not have been so attached now and that my family would have a stronger bond and more talks shared. I wish I was mature enough to think and place myself in the future and see if I would have regretted not spending talking time with my family especially during meal times. I learn and grow to appreciate all the time I get to spend to eat with my family together. As every passing day, I realized that I'm just days closer to eating alone in dorms and eating alone or by myself in another foreign country.
3) To be confident and assured. If I could go, just go back to the day, to the day where I knew what my heart wanted and wanted to speak what my heart says. If only I would have said something, I would have enjoyed life even better now. And also if i wasn't so blind and to take notice by how much he cares for me, I would have accepted him. Why am I so unobservant of my surroundings and the love that surrounds me? Again, I feel guilty for putting people through all those long lonesome nights. I feel so burdened to know that I was the one that caused all of it and I probably deserve all this guilt and feelings I am encountering now. I feel terrible and devastated and resentful at how things didn't turn out the way at how it initially should. I would love to apologize but then again I am such a coward to do so and it would be wrong, so very wrong to bring up the past and say I'm sorry after I have caused so much pain to someone who was willing to offer his heart. It would just be a bitter night and talk after all this. It is so damn shameful to even think about it and all i could say is just that I am so stupid for not feeling enough.
Sorry to all those I have hurt in any way and I wish I could have been a more flexible and better person in the past. I will continue to learn and experience more as I grow.
Sorrowful and dull night,
goodnight lovelies
-AW
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