Living inside the box.

Have you ever felt the world so uptight and locked up? Have you ever seen a scene so killing you just want to shut your eyes forever? Have you ever looked at a guy for 27 seconds and notice he is looking back at you in his cute tucked shirt? Have you ever been called beautiful when you never expected it coming from someone so gorgeous? Have you ever felt trashed because people around you bitch and calls you stupid? Have you ever felt abandoned because your parents said you are not smart but stupid and horrible because you really did a mistake and tried to verify it? 

I understand how life has its ups and downs and something will always come out of its shell and make everything better and they say we just have to be patient and that we will always make it. I believe in that but I am really tired of waiting and every single time I try to put myself out there to reality, I get hurt and I never get the chance to speak. I put myself back in, recharge myself, hide myself, put myself back into good shape and try over again. But, i really am tired of trying. Tired of pretending. Tired of holding back what fears me the most. I can't stand on my own any longer. 

Do you know that feeling? The feeling where you love someone so much and in the end after what you guys have been through, it was all just a waste of time. And at the very beginning, you know and believe that things will change. But in the end, no. Before this, I wasn't that fragile, I was strong and I could clearly understood life and knew that these type of things happen. But, when I met you, things changed for me. I stopped understanding and I started pushing myself to believe that things can work out between the both of us. But after all the pushing I did, nothing happened. It went worse when you went back with your ex girlfriend. It's just too much to take.

My face may not be the prettiest one. My body may not be the thinnest one. My legs may not be the nicest one. My hair may not be the most elegant one. My study grades might not be the highest one. My sports life might not be the most active one. My stomach might not be the slimmest one. My smile might not be the most beautiful one. My voice might not be the smoothest one.  But, why me? Why am I the one who gets hurt like literally everytime?

Day 1 of the week.

We talked, a lot. Through the phone, facebook, skype. you made me smile and you said you will save me and protect me and listen to me if anything goes wrong. But, it went all wrong. Why weren't you there? Morning rose. I sat in my class all alone silent with the suicide killing inside of me. Listening to the sound of your favourite music in class at the back of my seat. And no one ever even asked me why i was so quiet {wtf} and when other people was down, i stood there and cared for them and i don't get any comfort back? Should have known. The whole day was pretty bad and just screwed up.

Day 2 of the week.

Really don't want to talk about this day. We did not talk at all. Well, we did, but it didn't started or ended well. I kept on asking you things and you just replied you are not into replying/ chatting with me. That made me feel horrible the whole friggin' day. I didn't talk to you at all after school or during school hours and i was dying. No one noticed me at all even though half the day has passed. During lunch, I was called stupid by a friend because I did a really silly mistake. I know I am not perfect but calling me stupid hurts me a lot. If I was fine and wasn't hurt in the morning, I could have took it. But when you called me that, it just got me even more angrier, hopeless and weak.

Day 5 of the week.

yesterday. where everything just started to break down. got that feeling where the whole world just betrays you and abandons you and leave you alone in your darkness? where you just want to cry out all the blood inside of you  to fight out the pain but no matter how much or how hard or how many times you try it just can't come out? where you are stuck in a moment where you try to breathe but the air won't come out of your lungs because it is being blocked by a scene and a thought not wanted? where you are in a horrible nightmare and you close your eyes and open it again but it really is reality and you can't accept he fact that it is happening and think that you are literally never wanted, ever. I found out he got back with his ex, everything changed and yeah, i can't eat, sleep, cry without not tearing, reading old messages. It was like everything was doom and in my mind was like "GET OVER IT. After this day, 11. 11. 11, after you make the wish everything will be fine and everything will be back to normal where you guys will see each other everyday, ask each other how our day was and talk. but, no. After I found out about this, I knew I was just going to be your wall. Where you won't notice me but I will and will care for you and hold your back and support you all the way but YOU WONT. my words can't tell how much it hurts now but my tears can. " you got back with her = whats the meaning of life now.

Day 6 of the week. 

Today. Cheer - horrible. I really hate people telling me things over and over again. I really did not repeat my mistake and i know clearly what I did. Yes, even if after the first time you told me my mistake, i got it and i tried to stop it. During the second time, i got better but you still complained? wth. I'm getting there and I'm not someone who can accept an insult then make it better and perfect at the next step. So, im sorry im not good at it but you really don't need to tell me that because i know already i am doing that mistake and im trying to fix it. Anyhow, while doing stunts, Rachel asked "there is tears in your eyes" ignored , looked away, tried to fight him out of my brain. i couldn't and got hit. again. horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. went back to the car, fuck the rest.

IT JUST HURTS A LOT.

I wanna be the girl you stay up all night talking to. The one who you can't stop thinking about. The one who can make you laugh so hard you cry. The one who you can talk to about your problems and  trustfully. The one who can make you feel better after a tough situation. The one who can brighten your day. The one you can be yourself with. The one who understands you. I wanna be the girl you're in love with.

^its not that hard.

-Andrea / Ai Win